Hurricane
by sheepish123
Summary: Sequel to "Thunder", "Lightning" and "Tornado". A dramatic event causes Amanda to pull away from Olivia just as the lieutenant is coming to terms with the strong feelings she has for the younger woman, and the resulting trauma may cause irreparable harm to their developing relationship. Three-shot. Olivia/Amanda pairing. Part 4 of 4 of the "Heat Wave" series. *INCOMPLETE*
1. Chapter 1

**This is the last story in the "Heat Wave" series and picks up right after the previous one left off, so please read "Thunder", "Lightning", and "Tornado" first. :) I have decided to split this story into three separate parts because it's just too long.  
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 **Please take note of the "M" rating for this story – there are scenes that contain graphic physical violence and foul language in the first chapter, and some explicit sexual content in later chapters, so please be aware of this before you continue reading, if these things trigger or offend you in any way. I realize that not everyone feels comfortable reading about some of these things.**

 **Another massive thank you to my awesome friend unbreakable86 for creating yet another amazing pic for this story! :***

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The rain is pouring down from the sky in giant sheets and the lightning is flickering unnervingly close as Olivia stands there with her gun trained on the large man in front of her, not flinching in the slightest as the answering rumble of thunder roars loudly in her ears, echoing around the small courtyard behind the variety store that she is gathered in with a team of her fellow officers. For once in her life, she is not afraid of the storm that is raging all around them, the wind whipping her hair about her face with the force of a hurricane as the clouds churn angrily in the dark sky above them. Her thoughts are zeroed right in on the situation at hand as her heart pounds wildly inside her chest, and absolutely nothing can distract her from what is taking place at this very moment.

The woman she now knows to be the love of her life is standing there on violently shaking legs, her complexion leached of all color and saturated blonde hair plastered to the sides of her skull, big blue eyes squeezed tightly shut as the gun that is pressed against her head pushes in a little more firmly. Olivia watches as Amanda winces in pain, the younger woman biting down so hard on her lower lip that a spot of blood instantly appears, the bright red liquid streaking down her chin only to mingle in with the rainwater and be washed away.

The man threatening her detective with a gun has his back right up against the wall of the next building with Amanda standing directly in front of him, one arm wrapped very firmly around her waist and the weapon aimed right at her temple, making it extremely difficult for anyone to get an appropriate angle to take a shot at him without injuring or killing Amanda in the process. He seems to be thoroughly enjoying the audience that is now gathered around him, obviously reveling in the limelight and soaking up all of the attention as he has let Olivia, Fin, Carisi, and the other cops that are with them get shockingly close, clearly wanting to be heard over the howling of the wind and the crashing of the thunder as he continues to proclaim the innocence of his boyfriend in a dramatically loud fashion, just as he had been doing at the precinct earlier that day.

The absolute and utter terror that Olivia is stricken with at this very moment is stark and raw and unlike anything she has ever experienced before, the situation that had begun unfolding while she had been speaking with Amanda on the phone causing a fear and a pain in her heart that was so acute and all-consuming and has yet to abate even the slightest amount, only ratcheting up further now that she is actually witnessing what is happening with her own eyes. The man that is holding a gun on the woman she loves is wild and unpredictable and so clearly enjoying all of the attention focused upon him that Olivia is afraid he will not be able to be reasoned with and is unsure of exactly which approach to take with him despite all her years of training, terrified that the situation is going to end in the worst possible way and they are going to be forced to watch Amanda die.

"Drew, why don't you put the gun down so we can talk about this inside?" Olivia suggests very calmly, her voice betraying none of the overwhelming panic and horror that seem to have quite a strong chokehold around her throat, invisible fingers pressing in so hard that they are threatening to cut off her air supply. "The weather is terrible out here and everyone is getting soaked. Why don't we go back into the precinct and continue this discussion where it's a bit more comfortable?"

"Yeah, right," Drew snorts in contempt, the grip he has around Amanda's waist tightening to an obviously painful degree as Olivia watches the younger woman wince again. "You just want to take me back there so you can put me in a cell right next to my Michael. Another innocent man locked away for absolutely no reason at all!"

"Well, you have a gun to my detective's head right now, Drew," Olivia responds evenly, gritting her teeth together briefly before loosening her jaw, not wanting this man to see how much his actions are having an affect on her. "I think that's a pretty good reason for locking you away. Does that sound like something an innocent man would do?"

She instantly recognizes the mistake she has made when Drew's complexion turns a mottled shade of red, the expression on his face one of sheer fury and wounded pride and her breath catches sharply in her throat, her stomach muscles tightening with trepidation. "Shut up, you stupid bitch!" he screams in a pure frenzied rage, grinding the barrel of the gun even harder into Amanda's temple. "Stop trying to make everyone think I'm doing something wrong just because I'm defending my man! _Someone_ has to! I'm not the guilty one here and neither is he! _You_ are the ones who are guilty, do you understand me? Especially this bitch right here," he adds in a low, dangerous tone, trembling finger hovering over the trigger of the gun.

"Okay, Drew, I understand. We all understand," Olivia says soothingly, those invisible fingers tightening their grip around her throat to the point where spots of darkness begin dancing in her peripheral vision, and she keeps her gaze fixated on the large man's trigger finger, not even daring to spare a glance at Amanda's face for fear that she will be unable to maintain her careful control and properly perform her duties as a lieutenant.

She can hear Fin and Carisi murmuring their agreement beside her; how they both understand that Drew is not the guilty one in this situation, and Olivia can feel the terror and alarm radiating from her colleagues, knowing both men are doing their absolute best to hold themselves together and not fall apart while their friend and teammate is facing almost certain death.

Olivia can tell that she is not getting through to the emotional man standing in front of them and her suspicions are confirmed when Drew speaks again, his dramatic voice ringing out through the courtyard, obviously doing his best to sound authoritative as a low rumble of thunder rolls ominously above their heads, reverberating loudly throughout the small space.

"Okay, everyone, listen up! We're going to play a game." The simplicity of this chilling announcement combined with the look of glee on the large's man face has Olivia's heart clenching with dread as she keeps her weapon trained steadily upon him, and it is taking everything she has in her not to walk right up to this monster and fire a bullet straight through his brain, putting an end to his miserable life.

"This is how the game is going to be played," Drew continues with a malicious grin. "Every time you say no to one of my demands or any of you say something untrue about either me or my Michael, I'm going to fire the gun." He pauses for a long moment in an apparent effort to drag out the suspense. "There's only one bullet in this gun, did you know that? How many times do you think I'll have to fire before this bitch's brains are blown all over the yard?"

"Alright, well, this little game that you have in mind is not going to work out too well for you, Drew," Olivia explains with a calm patience that belies the complex storm of emotions that are currently raging within her, stark terror standing out above and beyond anything else. "The second you fire that weapon, you are going to be flat out on the ground, do you understand me? Do you really think you can use that gun on a police officer without there being an immediate consequence to your action; without some kind of retaliation? Take a good look around you, Drew. You are entirely surrounded by cops and if you fire that gun, you'll be dead before you even hit the ground."

"You know what, lady? I'm getting a little sick and tired of listening to your voice," Drew sneers in derision, glaring at Olivia with narrowed eyes. "You're not the one who's in charge here, do you get that? One more word out of you and you're going to have a bullet in your head even before I put one into this little bitch's."

Olivia finally chances a look at Amanda's face, the blonde detective whiter than she has ever seen her, Amanda's skin absolutely ashen and a violent shivering having overtaken her small body, the younger woman staring straight at her with piercing blue eyes that are boring a hole right into her own brown ones, the love and regret and horror written very clearly across her face. Olivia stares right back at her with a desperate gaze and cannot remember another time in her life when she has felt so incompetent, so powerless, and so completely helpless in a situation, and she tries to pour all of the love she can into her gaze, attempting to wordlessly convey what she cannot say aloud.

"Alright, now that we've established who's in charge here, I have something that I want," Drew declares dramatically, raising his eyebrows as if in anticipation of his captive audience's reaction.

"And what might that be?" Fin pipes up from his position beside Olivia, apparently taking Drew at his word and trusting that the other man will put a bullet into Olivia's head if she dares speak again.

"I want you to let Michael go," Drew orders sharply, jostling Amanda roughly in his embrace and causing a slight whimper to slip out from between her lips as the barrel of the gun scrapes across her forehead. "And if you don't do exactly as I say, she's dead."

"Okay, man, let's just take it easy here," Fin says calmly, although Olivia can detect a hint of a tremor in her colleague's tone, and she feels as if her own heart is about to explode right out of her chest with the force it is racing with. "We can discuss the possibility of letting Michael go, but in return-"

"No!" Drew cuts in harshly. "I'm not giving you anything in return! You're going to let my boyfriend go _now_. And this bitch is going to stay right here with me until both Michael and I are free to go. End of discussion and absolutely no negotiations!"

There is a foreboding pause as the gun is pressed more firmly into Amanda's temple, the blonde woman's resulting whimper more audible now and a sharp pain piercing through Olivia's heart in response. "And for every extra minute that I have to wait for Michael to be standing by my side, I'm going to fire the gun. So it's in everyone's best interest not to keep me waiting."

"Alright, Drew, let's be reasonable here," Carisi speaks up, an edge of panic evident in the Italian detective's tone as he raises one hand in the air in an apparent conciliatory gesture. "We can let Michael out right this instant but the precinct is down the road and the traffic is even worse than usual because of the weather. It will likely take a little while for him to get here, so it might be easier if we just bring you to him-"

"Are you really trying to get me to fall for that shit again?" Drew spits out vehemently, the large man's eyes darkening dangerously. "I'm not setting one foot inside of that fucking place! You're going to get Michael out of there and you're going to bring him to me _right_ _now_."

The situation is clearly escalating, Drew becoming much more agitated in his words and actions, and Olivia is desperate to diffuse things before they can spiral any further out of control, her sharp gaze swinging back and forth between the furious, intense man and the woman she loves, Amanda's life held so precariously in this unpredictable man's hands, the minutes ticking away on her fate. The younger woman is still staring right back at her with an expression that appears to be both pleading and resigned, like she knows the worst is about to happen but there is still a tiny spark of hope that things might work out in her favor. The staggering amount of love that is visible within those big blue eyes is enough to take Olivia's breath away, and she has to keep herself from screaming out those three little words across the courtyard so Amanda knows without a doubt that she is loved in return.

"Okay, we just need you to have a little patience here-"

"Wrong answer," Drew states abruptly, shifting slightly on his feet as he cuts Carisi off in mid-sentence and before Olivia can so much as react, he is suddenly pulling the trigger of the gun.

A loud shot rings out across the courtyard in between rumbles of thunder, the sound deafening in Olivia's ears and echoing powerfully around the small space. Her heart stutters to a complete stop, the blood seeming to freeze inside her veins and the world going entirely still and silent, her eyes slamming shut before she can stop them, as if they have a will of their own. Olivia is too stunned to process anything in that split second of nothingness and there is just a blank void of emptiness, nothing to see or hear or feel. She actually welcomes the sensation, wishing to stay suspended there where nothing can hurt her, but everything suddenly comes rushing back at Olivia all at once, a giant wave of action and sound and an extraordinary kind of agony and grief that obliterates anything she has ever known in her entire life.

She is aware of Fin and Carisi moving from their spots beside her, both men speaking in a rapid fire of words that mingle in with the buzz of shock and concern from the gathering of her fellow officers that are spread out around the small variety store and the tiny courtyard, the rain that had been pouring down in buckets finally coming to a halt, and it takes Olivia a moment to realize that Amanda is still standing upright; that the woman she loves is alive and whole and not the one who is sprawled out on the ground with her brains splattered across the muddy grass.

Drew is laying there in a motionless heap and is quite obviously dead, his long limbs twisted and contorted into a shape resembling that of a pretzel, his mouth hanging wide open and a glazed look in his unseeing eyes, a small chunk of his head missing. There are fragments of bone and brain and blood sprayed out across the muck and over Amanda's shocked face, bright red flecks decorating the white skin of the small detective's cheeks in a striking and gruesome contrast of color.

Olivia barely has time to feel even an ounce of relief that Amanda is still alive before the other woman's shuddering legs give out beneath her and she is collapsing toward the dirt, a contingent of cops immediately surrounding her and Fin leaping into the fray just in time to catch his partner before she can hit the ground. Amanda is out cold for several seconds, cradled safely in Fin's embrace while Olivia barks at everyone to back the hell off and give them some space, Carisi crouching down beside his colleagues and brushing his fellow detective's hair back from her face while gripping onto one her hands with shaking fingers.

Olivia's heart is in her throat when she gets her first good look at Amanda, the younger woman's eyelids closed and long lashes resting against cheeks that are flecked with blood and bits of gore, her stomach churning at the contents of another person's brain matter covering the woman she loves. Amanda's eyes flutter back open as several paramedics push their way through the chaotic crowd, a couple of them bending down to examine Drew's dead body and the rest coming over to tend to the fallen woman, the blonde detective's gaze locking right onto Olivia's own.

They stare at each other while Amanda has a blood pressure cuff wrapped around her upper arm and one of the medics shines a light into her eyes, another one taking her pulse. There is some concern over how high Amanda's blood pressure is and how fast her heart is racing, along with the fact that she had briefly lost consciousness likely due to the shock of the situation, and the consensus is that she will need to take an ambulance ride to the emergency room to be examined by a doctor.

Amanda seems to snap out of her trauma-induced stupor at these words, becoming quite combative as she wrenches herself out of Fin's arms when one of the medics lowers a gurney down so the blonde detective can be helped onto it. "I don't need to go to the hospital, I'm fine," she argues heatedly, the stubborn fire in her tone not matching the state that her body is in, her limbs shuddering violently and voice so shaky she can barely get the words out.

"You're not fine," one of the medics replies gently but firmly, a tall young woman with long dark hair that is pulled back into a tight ponytail. "Your blood pressure and heart rate are sky high, not to mention the fact that you lost consciousness."

"But it was only for a few seconds," Amanda snaps stubbornly, pulling her arm roughly away when the woman tries to take her pulse again. "There's nothing wrong with me. I'm going home."

"You are _not_ going home, Amanda," Olivia says sternly, reaching out to lay a hand on the detective's shoulder and frowning deeply when Amanda wrenches herself out of her grasp. "I'm coming with you. Let's go."

"You can't make me do something I don't want to do!" Amanda yells, her arm twitching wildly as she reaches up to wipe some of the blood from her face, and it is obvious that the blonde woman is becoming unraveled in the wake of what has just happened, unable to listen to reason. "I just want to go home!"

"A loss of consciousness necessitates a trip to the hospital, no matter how short it was," the paramedic explains in a calm tone of voice, the woman's demeanor the complete opposite of what Olivia is feeling right now, her patience and control with the situation dwindling rapidly and threatening to snap.

"But I don't _want_ to!" Amanda squawks indignantly in return, her voice resembling that of a cranky toddler instead of a seasoned detective, and even though Olivia knows that the other woman is deeply distressed, she can't take it anymore.

"Amanda Rollins, as your lieutenant, I am ordering you to sit your ass down on that gurney before I have to push you onto it and strap you to the damn thing myself!" Olivia grits out through clenched teeth, the last ounce of her control snapping and her patience shredding to pieces after the scene she has just witnessed, the guilt piercing through her instantly when Amanda lowers her head in shame and lets herself be helped onto the stretcher without another word of opposition.

Olivia issues a few terse orders to the rest of her team, Fin giving her arm a brief squeeze of understanding and Carisi assuring her that they will take care of things at the scene while she heads to the hospital with Amanda, and she climbs into the back of the ambulance, taking a seat next to the gurney and fighting the urge to either collapse onto the floor in exhaustion or burst into tears of anguish. Everything seems to be hitting her now, the gravity of the situation crashing down upon her as Olivia privately acknowledges that she had mistakenly thought Amanda had been the one who had gotten shot, not realizing right away that another officer had fired his weapon at Drew a split second after Drew had fired his own.

The regret washes over her in a giant wave for the way she has just spoken to the woman she is in love with, aware that Amanda has been so deeply traumatized by the events of the day, but she can't bring herself to apologize aloud, the words stuck in her throat as Olivia herself is too traumatized to even speak, images of Amanda with a gun to her head and the sound of the trigger being pulled replaying on a horrifying loop over and over again in her mind.

The ride to the hospital is very quiet as one of the paramedics tends to Amanda, the younger woman sitting there silently while her blood pressure is taken again. She looks tiny and forlorn and quite chastened as she huddles beneath the blanket that has been tucked around her small body, shivering violently in her sopping wet clothing, and it is all Olivia can do to stay where she is, wanting nothing more than to lean over and gather the detective into her tight embrace.

When the medic reaches over with a cloth to wipe the blood and gore from Amanda's face, Olivia takes it from her and does it herself, cradling the smaller woman's chin in one hand and gently stroking the cloth over her pale cheeks with the other; a gesture of love and apology for snapping under the weight of her immense stress, neither of them speaking but their eyes never leaving each other.

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Much later that evening, Olivia sits in a chair beside Amanda's hospital bed, the room dim and quiet and lending a certain intimacy to the space; the first moment of peace in a day that has been unexpectedly chaotic, even worse than Olivia had feared it would be when she had reluctantly dragged herself out of bed that morning. Amanda is laying curled up in a ball beneath the covers, resting on her side with her body turned away from Olivia so the only thing she can see is a shock of wild blonde hair that has dried in a crazy manner after Amanda had been drenched by the rain, and a small gown-clad back that moves up and down rhythmically, giving the illusion of sleep even though Olivia knows better.

After Amanda had been examined in the emergency room, it was decided that she would be admitted overnight for observation due to her brief loss of consciousness and her very high blood pressure and heart rate upon arrival. The younger woman had passed the neurological and heart exams with flying colors and is being given fluids through an IV, along with a light sedative to keep her calm and let her sleep through the night. Bruises have begun darkening on the small body from where the gun had been pressed so hard into Amanda's head and the wrestling match in the mud that had taken place earlier that day.

Olivia has been trying to coordinate everything from the hospital, making arrangements for Frannie to stay overnight with Amanda's neighbor and stepping out of the private room quite frequently to deal with the aftermath of the situation that had taken place behind the variety store, knowing there will be a lot more to contend with in the coming days. But for now at least, everything has settled down for the night and they are by themselves, aside from a nurse that comes in every so often to take Amanda's vital signs. Fin and Carisi had stopped by for a brief visit a couple of hours prior and Olivia has let them take on more work with their current cases than she normally would so that she can spend the night by Amanda's side, as she is having a hard time letting the detective out of her sight for any length of time.

Olivia had been given a pair of hospital scrubs to wear after she had refused to go home and change out of her soaking wet work clothes, not wanting to leave Amanda alone for even a brief moment. The tornado watch has finally come to end, despite the weather resembling more of a hurricane during the past several hours, the winds whipping the harsh rain into a frenzy of water, the lightning flashing intensely and thunder crashing loudly. For once in her life, Olivia has not been concerned with the terrifying weather, and the storms have now died down to be replaced by a ghostly fog that shrouds the grounds of the hospital in a mystical world of white.

"You've been awfully quiet," Olivia observes softly, her voice breaking the long silence that has stretched out between them since Amanda had been wheeled into her room for the night.

She observes the small body lying in front of her, Amanda not moving from her position on the bed, and watches as one thin shoulder raises in a shrug. "I'm fine, Benson," comes the muffled voice that is laced with pain and fatigue.

"Don't do that, honey," Olivia chastises gently, the pet name slipping out before she even realizes what she is saying. "Don't shut me out. Not now, not after everything that has happened."

"So first it was 'Rollins', then it was 'Amanda', and now it's 'honey'?" Amanda mutters in a disgruntled tone, still not bothering to turn around to face Olivia while she speaks. "You're confusing me here, Benson. I thought it was wrong for a lieutenant to show any kind of affection toward her subordinate. And you're not really one to talk about shutting people out. Aren't you an expert at that?"

Olivia frowns deeply as she listens to Amanda's quietly uttered words, a stab of hurt and confusion piercing her heart. Something drastic seems to have changed over the past several hours, since Drew had held the gun to Amanda's head outside of the little store, Olivia and the younger woman apparently having switched roles due to the way both women have been reacting and responding to their own personal trauma with the situation, each of them processing the events of the day very differently.

Amanda has been so stoic and reserved since her meltdown with the paramedics when she had argued so vehemently against going to the hospital, denying any offers to talk to a counselor about what had happened and continually holding Olivia at arm's length, both physically and emotionally. The detective seems to have retreated into a protective shell and is not letting Olivia get a glimpse into what she has been thinking or feeling since almost losing her life at the hands of the madman who had held her hostage.

On the contrary, Olivia feels like the situation has lit a fire under her and made her realize what she truly wants and has been missing out on, all of her fears and reservations having been entirely stripped away after watching the woman she loves comes face to face with her own mortality. It has left her feeling incredibly raw and open and vulnerable, wanting nothing more than to take Amanda into her arms and never let her go, holding the smaller woman and keeping her safe throughout the night, repeating over and over how much she loves her. In light of Amanda's extreme standoffishness, those words have yet to leave Olivia's lips as she doesn't think they would be appreciated or reciprocated at the moment.

She knows that Amanda has been deeply affected by everything she has been through that day, not only with Drew but with Olivia herself, and her resolve to give the other woman some time and space to come to terms with everything that has happened is crumbling bit by bit, unable to stay in her chair as the powerful feelings coursing through her body propel Olivia to her feet and around to the other side of the bed, crouching down on the floor so she can finally get a look at Amanda up close. Despite the fact that they are now face to face, the distance between them seems wider than it has ever been and the silence that stretches out across the room speaks volumes, an ocean of unspoken anguish and love seeming to hang heavily in the air.

"You doing okay, sweetie?" Olivia whispers somewhat hesitantly, wincing internally as another pet names slips out of her mouth, her hand hovering in the air over the bed and wanting nothing more than to touch the woman laying in front of her, Amanda gazing at her with cloudy blue eyes that hold a depth of emotion that Olivia has never seen before.

"I'm fine, Benson," Amanda repeats in a murmured tone, shifting on the mattress as if to roll over, and Olivia grasps lightly onto her shoulder blade to halt the movement.

"Please don't do that," she says softly, relieved when Amanda goes still. "Please don't turn away from me."

The hand that has been poised uncertainly in the air comes to rest gently upon Amanda's matted hair, Olivia very thankful when the detective doesn't pull away and seems to lean ever so slightly into her touch. She strokes the unruly tresses back from Amanda's bruised forehead, her fingers trailing delicately over the purple discolorations, a sharp spike of rage blooming within when she thinks of Drew holding the gun so fiercely on the woman she loves, with every intention of killing her, and Olivia has never been so glad to see another person's life come to an end.

"Are you doing okay?" she inquires again, trying to tamp down that intense explosion of fury and hoping Amanda will be truthful with her this time.

"I'm in pain," the younger woman admits somewhat grudgingly. "From that wrestling match I had with Michael earlier, and his asshole boyfriend digging that gun so hard into my head, it felt like he trying to drill a hole right through my skull."

"Do you want me to ask the nurse for some pain medication the next time she comes in here?" Olivia asks sympathetically, watching Amanda's eyelids flutter closed as she continues the soothing motions of her fingers through the detective's hair.

"No," Amanda mutters in reply, a slight frown gracing her features. "It's not that bad. It's more like a persistent ache that won't go away. My muscles are really sore."

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Olivia replies softly, tracing her thumb over Amanda's cheekbone so the other woman will open her eyes once again.

"Like what?" Amanda asks quietly, fixing her with a heavy-lidded gaze, the emotions she has been trying so hard to hide shining clearly from large blue eyes and Olivia's heart aching to see the other woman in so much agony.

"I can rub your back," Olivia answers tenderly, hoping Amanda will not reject the offer but fully prepared to pull away if she does. "Maybe give you a massage to help loosen up your muscles?"

They stare at each other in silence for a long moment and Olivia is relieved when Amanda finally gives a slow nod of assent, gesturing with a wordless tilt of her chin for Olivia to join her on the bed.

She climbs very carefully onto the mattress behind her colleague who remains curled up onto her side, mindful of the IV line that is hanging down from the pole and not wanting to cause Amanda any more pain than she is already experiencing, Olivia easing herself down so that she is lying in the same position as the younger woman, making sure to leave a small space between them on the bed. There is not much room to spare on the narrow cot and Olivia momentarily loses her balance as she gets settled, almost tumbling backwards off the edge and plummeting to the floor before righting herself again.

She draws the covers away from Amanda's huddled form and presses a hand very lightly to her back, grazing her palm over the material of the hospital gown and rubbing in large, slow circles before digging her fingers in slightly harder to knead the tense muscles beneath her hand. Olivia hears a low, drawn-out sigh drag from Amanda's lips and she continues the gentle ministrations for the next several minutes, wanting to provide as much comfort and care as she possibly can, wincing as her fingers accidentally slide underneath the slit in the back of the younger woman's hospital gown and brush against warm bare skin.

"Sorry," Olivia murmurs softly, withdrawing her hand immediately even though she is tempted to linger, Amanda's skin feeling like satin beneath her touch.

"It's okay, you can undo the ties," Amanda whispers, turning her head to the side to throw Olivia a quick glance over her shoulder, a hint of need and desire darkening her blue eyes, along with something else; something that goes much deeper than that.

"Are you sure?" Olivia replies hesitantly, knowing she has to tread very carefully here; that absolutely nothing can happen between them while Amanda is in the hospital and is so vulnerable and closed off, although the other woman seems to be opening up a little more than she had before Olivia had begun the massage, and she hopes the other woman will open up even further and talk to her about the things they need to discuss.

"I'm sure," Amanda says, her voice still coming out in a whisper, and Olivia's fingers come to rest against the strings of the gown that are knotted at the base of Amanda's neck, holding the cotton garment together.

Olivia slowly unties the strings, her heart skipping a beat and her breath catching in her throat when the sides of the gown part and she sees that Amanda is naked beneath the material. Her mind flashes back to the scene in the precinct locker room earlier that day, when the blonde woman had angrily yanked the shower curtain open to reveal a gorgeous nude body glistening with drops of water that had rolled down her skin between small pert breasts, Olivia's eyes having swept the entire length of the detective's bare form and her gaze coming to rest at the juncture of her thighs before tearing her eyes away.

She traces one finger very lightly down Amanda's spine, stopping before she gets to the curve of her bottom and listening to the slight inhale of breath in front of her, flattening her entire hand out so that her fingers are splayed across the younger woman's back, Amanda's skin feeling like the smoothest of silk beneath her palm and her colleague's heart hammering wildly underneath her soft caresses. Olivia wants Amanda to relax and realizes that they aren't exactly going about this in the right way, so she deepens her touch again, firmly massaging the knots in the other woman's muscles and careful to avoid any bruises that she sees, her heart aching at the evidence of Amanda being hurt.

The blonde detective slowly relaxes under the comforting ministrations, the tension easing from her muscles and her limbs gradually loosening until she is laying limply on the bed, eyes closed and breathing evening out, Olivia continuing the massage until her fingers begin tracing the knobs of Amanda's spine and the line of her ribs, drawing invisible little pictures on the creamy skin in front of her. Her hand drifts over to the younger woman's hip and rests there for a moment before squeezing lightly, Olivia peering over Amanda's shoulder to observe her placid expression.

"Hey, are you still awake?" she whispers into the detective's ear, pressing the softest of kisses to the side of Amanda's neck, the smaller woman tilting her head slightly in response. "Do you want me to move so you can get some rest?"

"Don't leave me," Amanda murmurs in a voice that is slurred with impending sleep, grabbing onto Olivia's hand and moving it further beneath the gown so that her palm is resting on the bare skin of her stomach.

"Okay, I won't go anywhere," Olivia promises quietly, kissing Amanda's neck again and letting her thumb brush soothingly back and forth against the detective's abdomen, overcome with an intense wave of tenderness for the woman snuggled up against her, wanting to protect her from the evils of the world and resolutely ignoring that persistent hint of arousal at being pressed so intimately against the woman she is in love with.

"I'm scared," Amanda mumbles under her breath and Olivia frowns deeply, moving her body as close as she can to the small detective, wondering if Amanda has already drifted mostly to sleep and is being tormented by frightening images in her dreams.

"Don't be scared, sweetheart," Olivia soothes gently, as she tightens her hold around the younger woman. "I'm here, I've got you. You're safe with me, okay? No one's going to hurt you ever again, I promise."

"That's not what I'm scared of," Amanda murmurs so softly that Olivia can barely hear her.

"What are you scared of, then?" she asks in concern, tears welling up in her eyes when Amanda grabs her hand and slides it up her body so that Olivia's fingers are splayed out across her chest, her palm resting directly over the blonde detective's heart.

She doesn't receive a verbal reply, only a light snore in response, and Olivia presses another comforting kiss to the side of Amanda's neck, whispering "I love you," into the smaller woman's ear, even though she knows that Amanda has already fallen asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter contains some sexual content, so please be aware of that before you continue reading. Since I can never seem to wrap up my stories in a timely fashion, this will be continued in a third chapter (which will be the final one). :)**

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Olivia is peering surreptitiously through a slit in the closed blinds in her office, her gaze fixed very intently on Amanda as the younger woman types quickly on her keyboard out in the squad room, big blue eyes glued to the screen in front of her. Fin and Carisi are working away diligently next to their teammate, the room buzzing with the usual busyness and intensity of life inside the Special Victims Unit as everyone tries to wind up what they're doing before the end of the day.

They are wrapping up yet another big case, one that Olivia will be very glad to see come to an end, and she throws a quick glance over her shoulder at the chaos that has overtaken the usual organization of her desk, a deep sigh escaping from between parted lips. She has been unable to keep her head on all of the work that still has to be done before she leaves for the evening, her thoughts continually diverted by the small blonde detective in the next room, and Olivia chastises herself for being so easily distracted when so many aspects of the job need her undivided attention at the moment.

When her colleagues begin turning off their computers and standing up from their chairs, stretching and chatting as they start collecting their things, Olivia hurries to the door so she can catch Amanda before the other woman leaves, calling her co-worker's name and wincing slightly as her voice rings out across the room much more loudly than she had intended it to. Her squad looks up in surprise at the rather urgent tone of Olivia's voice, and she briefly grits her teeth together before plastering a calm smile on her face and tilting her head in a welcoming, non-threatening gesture.

"Amanda, can I please see you in my office before you head home for the day?" she asks pleasantly, frowning slightly as she watches the resentful expression flit across the younger woman's delicate features before they smooth out again and the detective is smiling serenely back at her and nodding in assent.

Olivia notices her three subordinates exchanging glances with each other as they so often seem to do whenever she requests anything of them that seems somewhat off, and her frown becomes deeper as she watches Fin give Amanda's shoulder a squeeze of support and Carisi pat his fellow detective on the back in a soothing manner before both men say goodbye and head out for the evening. Olivia mutters a terse goodbye in return and motions for Amanda to follow her into the office before turning on her heel and striding away, feeling a sharp spike of annoyance that mixes in with the concern she has for the other woman.

"You know, you don't have to do that, Amanda," she points out as she closes the door behind them and gestures for the blonde to take a seat on the couch, while sitting down beside her colleague and crossing her legs to get more comfortable. "You don't have to act like you're being punished whenever you get called in here."

"Oh, so it's 'Amanda' today, instead of 'Rollins' or 'honey'?" the younger woman replies, shifting over on the couch so they are not seated quite so closely together and Olivia has to swallow down a sudden lump in her throat, surprised at how much that tiny amount of rejection hurts. "And aren't I _usually_ being punished for something when you call me in here?"

"You're not being punished," Olivia assures her softly, unable to stop herself from reaching out to lay a gentle hand on Amanda's arm, that hint of hurt only becoming deeper as she feels the sharp flinch beneath her touch and reluctantly pulls away. "I called you in here to see if you would finally start talking to me about things, considering we barely seem to speak to each other anymore."

She is horrified at the tears that unexpectedly come welling up in her eyes as she says the words, still in disbelief at how much everything has changed between them since that night in the hospital after Amanda had been held hostage. Two weeks have passed since they had squeezed onto that narrow bed together in the younger woman's hospital room, Olivia spooning Amanda and holding her close as the detective had fallen asleep, afraid to let go of her for even a second after almost losing her. They had spent the night curled up in each other's arms, the light sedative that had been administered to the blonde allowing her to sleep peacefully most of the way through the twilight hours. She had awakened only once from a nightmare and Olivia had soothed her immediately back to sleep, gently stroking silky long hair away from a bruised face and smoothing tender fingertips along the satiny bare skin underneath the gown.

Olivia had whispered those three little words over and over into Amanda's ear while the smaller woman had dozed placidly in her embrace, knowing without a doubt that truer words had never been spoken; the love and care and empathy radiating plainly from her gestures and her voice, confident that she would finally be able to say them aloud when Amanda was awake and coherent and they were face to face without a madman threatening either one of them with a gun.

But to Olivia's complete shock and devastation, when Amanda had awoken it was like a switch had been flipped. In the harsh light of day, when the sedative had worn off and reality had set in, Amanda was cold and distant and non-communicative, just like she had been before Olivia had climbed into bed with her and offered the massage. She wouldn't let Olivia talk to her or get physically close, snapping angrily at her to get out of the bed and go home. The three little words that had been hovering hopefully on the tip of Olivia's tongue had shriveled up and died before they could even be spoken, and she had given into Amanda's sharp demands somewhat, choosing to leave the room but not the hospital itself. From that point on, Amanda had drifted further and further away from her, curling more tightly into the protective shell that she was steadily building around herself, the trauma from being held hostage making itself known in a variety of ways, even though the detective continually denied that anything was wrong, insisting over and over again that she was fine and just wanted to be left alone.

The next week had been utterly chaotic, Amanda's forced absence from work felt very keenly as the team had dealt with Drew's shooting death and the mounting case against Michael, Olivia's heart breaking more and more with each passing day as the woman she loved resolutely refused to see in her person or speak to her on the phone, opting instead to send sparse text messages from time to time, maintaining that she was totally fine and demanding to know when she could come back to work. The blonde detective had returned to the precinct a week after the incident, much more subdued than usual with her words but obviously eager to be reunited with her team and throwing herself with a hearty enthusiasm back into her work. But whatever had broken in the other woman's brain when Drew had held that gun against her head; the severe emotional disconnect that had seemed to completely sever whatever the two of them had been building together, had not only remained but grown even worse, Amanda throwing up walls faster than Olivia could knock them down or even get them to budge.

As she sits there beside Amanda on the couch, the love and impatience and confusion winding themselves together so tightly inside of her that she fears they will explode into a messy burst of emotions, it is all Olivia can do not to grab the other woman by the arms and shake her, pulling the detective into a fierce hug and demanding to know what the hell has happened between them. She fears that it is not only the lingering trauma of what had occurred behind the tiny variety store on that stormy summer day, but that Amanda has grown weary of Olivia herself and decided to turn the tables and give her a taste of her own medicine; that Olivia had waited far too long to return the younger woman's feelings, continually holding her at arm's length because of her intense fear that lieutenant and subordinate did not belong together; that it was so very wrong in every single sense of the word. Any worries and negativity that Olivia had been feeling on the subject had been entirely obliterated the second she knew that something was wrong on the phone; that Amanda's life was being threatened and they might not be able to get to her in time.

Watching the woman she had fallen in love with have a gun shoved roughly against her temple and sure that Amanda had been killed when the trigger had been pulled, had done something catastrophic to Olivia's psyche; had broken her in a way that she had never been broken before. She knows she needs to make a return trip to Dr. Lindstrom; that Amanda is being forced into seeing the departmental psychologist despite all of her complaining to the contrary, and that she herself needs help as well. The nightmares she has suffered since that day have been vicious and unrelenting, the situation in the courtyard playing itself over and over again in her dreams with varying results, but ending in Amanda's death more often than not.

As Olivia sits there uneasily on the couch with the younger woman perched uncomfortably beside her, she tries to revel in the fact that Amanda is alive, if not entirely well, the pinched expression on the detective's delicate features indicating that she would rather be absolutely anywhere else. There is a slight shivering that seems to have overtaken the smaller body next to her, and Olivia frowns deeply, unable to stop herself from shifting closer and easing an arm around the trembling shoulders, feeling Amanda flinch again but relieved when she doesn't pull away.

"How have you been doing, honey?" she asks softly in concern, feeling overwhelmed at being this close to Amanda again; the detective's coconut shampoo wafting lightly amidst them and Olivia having to stop herself from pressing her nose into the blonde's hair and inhaling the tantalizing aroma.

"Don't call me that," Amanda mutters, trying to twist away from her on the couch, but Olivia holds fast to the squirming form, not wanting to sever this much-needed physical connection between them.

"Why?" she questions gently, taking the chance and wrapping her arms around the younger woman's waist from behind, resting her chin lightly on Amanda's shoulder. "Why can't I call you that?"

"Just stop it, Olivia," Amanda sighs wearily, twisting again in her embrace before sagging back against her body in apparent exhaustion. "Stop with the pet names and just let go of me."

"Sorry," Olivia whispers in contrition, her arms loosening somewhat around the small detective but not pulling away entirely. "I've just missed you so much and I don't know what happened between us." She pauses briefly, blinking back the tears that are still swimming in her eyes, determined not to let them fall, and she recognizes the double meaning in her next words. "But I'll let go if you really want me to."

There is a long moment of silence as they sit there wrapped up together in each other's arms, the sounds of activity outside the office briefly becoming louder as one shift leaves and another arrives, Amanda apparently contemplating Olivia's words before emitting another deep sigh. "Don't let go," she finally murmurs in a whisper so low that Olivia can barely make out the words.

"Okay, I won't," she replies softly, pulling Amanda against her more tightly and feeling the shivering of her colleague's body intensify, her heart clenching with worry and love. "Are you alright?"

Amanda gives a brief shrug and sniffles lightly, her head bowed down in front of her, and all Olivia can see is a shiny crown of golden blonde hair. "Please talk to me," she whispers into the other woman's ear. "I know you've been hurting so much for the past couple of weeks. Please don't shut me out anymore."

Amanda shudders in response, Olivia's heart aching when she hears a choked cry emitting from the detective's throat. "It's okay," she soothes, pressing her lips to the side of her co-worker's neck in the barest of comforting kisses. "It's okay to cry."

"No, it's not," Amanda argues weakly, her words dragged out on a stifled sob. "It's not okay to cry at work. I've already cried in the locker room showers. I'm not going to cry in your office, too."

Olivia neglects to mention that this wouldn't be the first time Amanda has cried in her office and that it's perfectly okay to do so, instead choosing to gather the shaking bundle of limbs even closer to own body, rocking them both back and forth on the soft couch cushions and surprised when Amanda suddenly turns around in her embrace, the younger woman's eyes brimming with unshed tears much like her own are.

They stare at each other in silence for a long time, an ocean of untold emotion shimmering in the large blue depths in front of her, and Olivia raises a cautious hand to stroke her knuckles very gently across Amanda's cheekbone, relieved to see the bruises that had been inflicted upon her by both Michael and Drew have since faded away. "I've missed you," she says softly, running the pad of her thumb along purple smudges of fatigue that are residing beneath the other woman's tired eyes.

"I've missed you too," Amanda replies haltingly, and it sounds as if it is taking quite a lot for her to admit to it.

"But I just don't understand..." Olivia trails off as she tucks an errant strand of blonde hair behind Amanda's ear, her hand lingering for a moment to trace gentle fingertips along smooth warm skin.

"Understand what?" Amanda murmurs, her eyelids fluttering closed and leaning into Olivia's touch as she feathers her fingers tenderly through the detective's long hair, pushing it back from her face.

"Why we have to miss each other," Olivia whispers, resting her forehead against Amanda's and just breathing the other woman in, their breaths mingling together in the tiny space amidst them. "Where did you go?"

"I didn't go anywhere," Amanda whispers, and Olivia feels a soft hand come up to caress her cheek. "I'm right here, Liv."

"You know what I mean," Olivia insists quietly, reaching up to grasp onto the small hand and linking their fingers together before squeezing tightly. "You're here but you're not. Where did you go?" she repeats, swallowing back a sob of her own.

"Olivia..." Amanda pulls back slightly so they are gazing intently at one another again, blue eyes boring steadily into brown, and there is so much pent-up emotion and so many things that have gone unsaid, that it takes Olivia's breath away. "I'm just doing what you wanted me to do. You've said so many times before how wrong this thing is between us, and I'm finally listening." There is a short pause, the anguish in the younger woman's tone very clear when she speaks again. "You don't want me."

"I _do_ want you," Olivia hisses fiercely, her hand sliding around Amanda's head to cup the back of her neck firmly, staring straight into huge blue eyes that are misted over with unshed tears. "You're _all_ that I want. I'm so sorry for the mixed signals I've been giving you. I know it's been hard to deal with; how confusing it must have been for you. But, Amanda, I know exactly what I want now, and that is _you_. Consequences be damned, I just don't care anymore."

"But _I_ do," Amanda mutters under her breath, her gaze swinging away from Olivia's as a tear trails down one cheek. "I care. And I can't do this anymore."

"Why can't you?" Olivia challenges softly, a tear of her own spilling from her eye in response to Amanda's pain. "What's changed?"

"Everything," Amanda says in a hushed tone, her gaze meeting Olivia's straight on again, and the depth of sorrow in the detective's expression is utterly staggering. "Everything has changed."

"I know what happened with Drew was a horrible thing to go through; how life-changing it was-"

"I don't want to talk about it," Amanda cuts in firmly, holding up a hand and backing away from Olivia on the couch, looking like she is about to spring to her feet and flee the office.

Olivia is absolutely desperate for the other woman to stay; to maintain this tenuous physical and emotional connection between them that seems to have withered and disappeared in the past couple of weeks, only to be replaced by distance and trauma. She grabs Amanda's hand more roughly than she had intended, holding the detective's quivering body in place on the cushions before sliding forward so they are face to face once again. "Don't go," she whispers with an intensity she has never felt before. "We don't have to talk about anything, I promise. Just don't walk away from me, Amanda."

"Olivia." Amanda's voice is hushed and anguished as she brings their joined hands up to cover her mouth as if to prevent herself from speaking any further; from letting loose with something she doesn't wish to say aloud, and Olivia presses a soft kiss to the back of the smaller woman's hand, her lips lingering for a long moment on the satiny skin and watching as Amanda bites down hard on her bottom lip, the smaller woman squirming in her seat.

She kisses the small hand over and over again, trying to lavish as much comfort and love as she possibly can into the gesture, before moving her lips very gently up Amanda's arm to her shoulder, pressing lingering kisses the whole way until she reaches the other woman's sweet-smelling neck. Olivia buries her face there for a moment, inhaling the familiar and soothing scent of coconut, aware that Amanda's hands are now buried within her thick dark tresses, small fingers pulling very lightly as the younger woman rocks slightly against her body. Olivia sucks very gently on the detective's neck for a moment, careful not to leave a mark, before kissing her way up to Amanda's cheek and around to her mouth. She pulls back just enough to get a look at her colleague's expression, the blue of Amanda's eyes darker than she has ever seen them, before Olivia's lips press tenderly against her colleague's mouth, trying very hard to tamp down on her excessive eagerness.

Despite the extreme hesitation she has exhibited about even being in her lieutenant's office in the first place, Amanda responds instantly, her lips parting to take Olivia's tongue inside when she probes gently for access, the kiss deepening in intensity and the room filling with the sounds of panting breaths and barely concealed moans. Olivia is glad that the blinds are closed and the door is locked but she is keeping an ear open for anyone who might need her; a sudden knock at the door or a buzz of her phone that will no doubt make them yank away from each other for fear of getting caught and will put an abrupt end to this whole thing; this thing that shouldn't even be happening here anyway.

Olivia knows this is wrong; that for every time she had tried to dissuade Amanda's advances either at the precinct or elsewhere, she is now the one initiating this action between them, and she doesn't know if she will be able stop, if she will be able to contain this overwhelming passion and need that has come exploding out of her to consume them both. Her lips are hot upon Amanda's with a fervor that takes her breath away, her heart swelling with love and emotion when she feels the other woman kissing her back just as ardently, the frenzied movements of their mouths beginning to encompass the rest of their bodies, roving hands rising to yank gently at light and dark strands of hair, fingers lowering to squeeze at trembling arms and tighten around shaking hips, and Olivia's thighs automatically widen to accommodate the small leg that is suddenly thrusting between them, a pant-clad knee hovering tantalizingly over her center before pushing firmly against it and making sweet, delicious contact.

A shudder of pure pleasure overtakes Olivia's entire frame as she sways forward, her body perched at the very edge of the couch cushions while Amanda surges into her and they strike up an exquisite rhythm, rocking back and forth into each other with a slow cadence that quickly turns into a wild abandon, fingers pulling at hair and hands scrabbling at clothing while mouths crash against each other with an unyielding passion, tongues wrestling and emitting stifled moans and panting breaths, Olivia's heart feeling like is going to beat right out of her chest with the force it is pounding with.

Amanda's knee is pushing harder between her thighs now, creating a constant friction upon her core that is at once completely perfect and utterly torturous, and Olivia's hands have untucked the younger woman's blouse from her dress pants, fingers drifting beneath the material to graze against heated bare skin, feeling goosebumps rise under her touch. The waves of pleasure are becoming stronger and stronger and Olivia knows that she will shatter to pieces very soon if they don't put a halt to this right now, a strangled groan working its way out from her gasping mouth.

"Oh, _god_ , Amanda," she moans raggedly into her colleague's mouth, as the blonde detective hits a particularly sensitive spot with her knee, wetness trickling out to pool damply in Olivia's panties, and she reluctantly grasps onto the other woman's arms with both hands, trying to hold the impending explosion at bay.

"You want to stop?" Amanda asks, her tone of voice so low and sultry with desire that it is all Olivia can do not to come right on the spot.

"I don't _want_ to," she sighs in exasperation, the conflicting feelings that are churning around inside enough to drive her right to the brink of sanity.

"But we have to," Amanda finishes for her, understanding and disappointment apparent in her tone as the younger woman removes her knee, Olivia exhaling a loud breath as she instantly misses the heavenly pressure against her center and wishes for its return.

"Yeah, we have to," she whispers in regret, her fingertips grazing Amanda's cheekbone as the other woman leans back slightly.

"Okay, then we'll stop," Amanda assures her, scrubbing her hands over her face with an unreadable expression fixed on her features, and all Olivia wants is to spend more time with the woman she loves; desperate not to part ways for the night and unable to handle the separation until the next morning.

"Let me come home with you tonight," she urges softly after they pull away from each other, both of them trying to catch their breaths and straighten their clothing. "Nothing has to happen, there's no pressure at all. I just need to make sure you're okay. I can't stand being away from you."

"I can't stand being away from you either," Amanda admits in a quiet tone, and Olivia cannot keep her eyes off of the other woman's extraordinary beauty; the detective's cheeks flushed with exertion and her lips swollen from Olivia's kisses, blonde hair tousled and askew from where her hands had wound their way around silken golden strands.

"Then why don't we just go to your place and watch a movie?" Olivia suggests hopefully. "Maybe have a glass of wine or two? Just a normal, relaxing evening between two friends and nothing more, okay?"

"Between two friends, huh?" Amanda asks wryly, and for the first time in weeks Olivia sees a hint of humor poking up through the hurt and trauma. "Do friends usually secretly dry hump each other at work? In the lieutenant's office, no less? When one of them is the lieutenant herself?" Amanda smirks slightly, one eyebrow arching in a playfully scolding manner. "This is pretty scandalous stuff here, Liv."

Olivia smiles back, a blush creeping across her cheeks when she realizes how many of her own rules that she has broken this evening and how little she cares about them now, wanting nothing more than to just be with Amanda; the woman sitting beside her on the couch her only priority at the moment.

"Well, a little scandal never hurt anyone," Olivia comments lightly, watching both of Amanda's eyebrows raise high in surprise and knowing that it had only taken a split second on that hot summer day two weeks previous for her to do a complete turnaround with her attitude, the realization of her feelings practically knocking her off her feet as they had so forcefully slammed into her.

She notices Amanda watching her thoughtfully, the blonde woman's head cocked to the side as she regards Olivia with a serious expression now. "Well, I guess you can come over for a little while," she finally concedes, to Olivia's great relief and joy. "Frannie needs to be walked and then maybe we can order something for dinner."

Olivia smiles back at the detective, a giant wave of hope swelling inside of her; the knowledge that even if they can't yet be together in the way she wants them to be, just spending time with Amanda will be enough. "Okay, sounds like a plan," she replies delightedly, happier than she has been for weeks.

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The evening is a surprisingly comfortable and content one, considering everything that has taken place over the past while, Olivia and Amanda curled up at opposite ends of Amanda's couch with Frannie sprawled between them, large glasses of red wine clutched in their hands and the remnants of takeout Chinese food spread across the coffee table in front of them. A documentary that Olivia is paying little attention to is playing on the TV screen, lightning flickering from time to time outside the window but the thunder having yet to answer back. New York is still caught in the grips of the sweltering heat wave that they have been stuck in for the majority of the summer so far and it doesn't look like it will be letting up any time soon.

Olivia's heart melts every time the lightning flickers because she can see Amanda's concerned gaze in her peripheral vision and knows the younger woman is worried about her intense fear of storms. She is not overly anxious about the possibility of impending bad weather, as the events that had occurred amidst the tornado warning a couple of weeks prior had pretty much obliterated any need to be afraid of a physical storm when the emotional one that has been raging inside of her is so much worse than anything she could have ever imagined. Olivia smiles reassuringly at Amanda every time the sky lights up and joins the smaller woman with soothing Frannie's frazzled nerves, the dog whimpering and twisting around nervously every time the lightning flashes.

As they sit there on the cushions, each one with a hand on Frannie's fur to ease the canine's fears and their fingers almost touching, there are so many thoughts and emotions swirling around inside Olivia's brain that she feels as if she can't think straight. There is so much she needs to say; so much she wants to ask, and yet her mouth remains closed as she doesn't want to ruin this precious moment between them, a moment she feared she might never get to have after Amanda had almost lost her life and then proceeded to build a metaphorical fortress around herself to keep Olivia out. She does not want a return to the awkwardness and the distance between them, so she chooses to keep quiet and just enjoy the evening, sipping slowly from her glass of wine and appreciating the relaxing buzz that the alcohol slowly creates.

As it gets later into the evening and the possibly of yet another storm seems to disappear, the heat lightning dying down to be replaced with an inky black sky full of twinkling stars and Frannie settling into a peaceful slumber between them on the couch, Olivia can see Amanda throwing her somewhat uneasy looks from time to time, and she figures their evening together has come to an end, no matter how much she wants to spend the night curled up in the other woman's arms, the absence of Amanda's presence in her life over the past couple of weeks akin to that of a missing limb.

She leans back against the cushions in exhaustion and drains the small amount of liquid that remains at the bottom of her third glass of wine, watching the younger woman with slightly hazy brown eyes that are threatening to droop closed with impending slumber and not wanting to be the one to make the first move; to suggest that she leave the cozy apartment and return to her own lonely home for the rest of the night. She wants nothing more than for Amanda to suggest that Olivia get up off the couch and join her in the bed, holding each other close until the morning sunlight breaks through the darkness, finally able to whisper those three little words that she has yet to say without Amanda being asleep or getting cut off over the phone while the detective had been threatened, but she has a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that their perfect evening together is about to come to an abrupt and unfulfilling end.

"Olivia..." Amanda's voice wavers slightly as she begins to speak but there is a firm certainly present beneath the somewhat shaky tone, the other woman balancing precariously at the edge of a cushion and twirling the stem of her wine glass around and around with trembling fingers. "Look, tonight has been fun and I don't mean to be rude when I say this, but I'm going to go into my room and get changed for bed." She pauses momentarily and meets Olivia's gaze head on, the two of them staring unblinkingly at each other. "And when I come back out to the living room, I would like you to be gone."

"Oh...okay," Olivia replies softly, unsurprised by this turn of events but trying desperately to push down the wave of hurt and confusion that is determined to climb back out in the form of messy sobs and neverending tears, but she doesn't make a move to leave, her body seemingly molded into the cushions she is leaning against, Frannie's head now resting heavily in her lap as the dog emits a quiet snore from time to time. She runs her fingers lightly over the spiked fur as she gazes up at Amanda with misty eyes, a slight challenge emanating from her expression as they continue to stare at one another, dark eyes boring into light and so many things remaining unspoken between them, the air heavy with everything that needs to be said.

Amanda seems to recognize the challenge on Olivia's face and arches a warning eyebrow in return as she gets to her feet and plants her hands on her hips. "I mean it, Olivia, you need to go now. We've had our evening together as friends, but now it's done and I'm going to bed. Alone," she adds pointedly, her head titling in the direction of the door.

"Why are you being like this?" Olivia murmurs sorrowfully, the exhaustion and booze weighing heavily upon both her mind and her body, forcing her limbs to remain glued to the couch she is slumped on, the immense worry and love she feels for the younger woman churning painfully in her gut. "Why won't you talk to me? Is it what happened with Drew?" She pauses briefly and has to swallow around the large lump that has formed inside her throat. "Is it...is it me? Did I push you away because of everything I put you through?"

Amanda has her fingers pressed hard into her closed eyelids now, and Olivia can see the small detective's shoulders shaking with pent-up emotion. "Just leave it alone, Olivia," she grits out through clenched teeth. "I can't do this with you right now."

"Can't do what?" Olivia persists, knowing that she is pushing too hard and needs to back off, but unable to just get up and walk away when they are finally alone together and there is so much that needs to be said; so much that should be explained.

" _This_ ," Amanda snarls, throwing her hands out and sweeping them through the air in a wide arcing gesture full of impatience and annoyance.

"And what is _this_?" Olivia snaps back, struggling to sit up on the cushions and get to her feet so they can have this conversation face to face, but gravity is continually weighing her down and she stays slumped right where she is with a resigned sigh. "Can you please tell me what exactly _this_ is that's happening between us right now, Amanda? Because I have no fucking clue," she snarks, watching the other woman's eyebrows fly upwards in surprise at the unexpected curse. "I don't know what the hell is going on because you never talk to me anymore. But what I do know is that you were traumatized-"

"Just stop," Amanda sighs wearily, one hand still held up in the air as if to ward off Olivia's unwanted words like they are physical blows, and the other wiping over her eyes again. "I don't want to talk about my trauma. I don't want to talk about anything. All I want is for you to leave. Can you do that for me, Olivia?" she pleads intensely. "Can you just do as I ask and not fight me on this?"

"Okay," Olivia replies in softly spoken confusion, holding her own hands up in the air now in a gesture of complacency. "I will. I'll leave. But I thought we were having such a nice evening together, so I don't understand-"

"We were," Amanda sighs again, abruptly cutting her off in mid-sentence. "But now it's done. And you don't need to understand anything, Olivia. You just need to go."

"Who is the one giving mixed signals now?" Olivia mutters angrily, the tears that are now blurring in her eyes a mixture of exhaustion and pain and perplexity, and she can't seem to get ahold of these deep emotions that are running rampantly through her. "What the hell is your problem?"

" _You_ ," Amanda whispers under her breath before whirling around on one heel and marching from the living room, Olivia just able to catch the softly murmured words that come afterwards. "You're my problem."

She lets her head flop limply back against the couch cushions as the hot tears that have been welling up in her eyes finally come streaking down her face, burning a fiery path over her cheeks and dropping onto Frannie's fur below. Amanda's beloved pet has turned over in her lap and is now gazing up at Olivia with an intent expression, like the canine knows exactly what is going on, one paw lifting slightly into the air as to offer some comfort. Olivia chokes back a sob as she grabs onto the proffered paw and gives it a grateful squeeze, happy to have some part of the woman she loves still with her at this moment, even while she can hear Amanda stalking around noisily inside the bedroom, the very audible sound of dresser drawers being yanked open and slammed shut echoing loudly throughout the apartment.

Even though Amanda has just ordered her so harshly out of the apartment and Olivia knows that she has to comply, she feels her heavy eyelids begin to droop closed as if they have a will of their own and are unable to stay open, the tears continuing to tumble out one after the other, leaking steadily from below her long lashes as she drifts off into a troubled slumber.

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When Olivia jerks awake again, it takes her a moment to recognize her surroundings, Amanda's dim living room coming into view in her blurry, sleep-filled vision, and she curses herself for accidentally falling asleep there after the younger woman had made it so clear that she wasn't welcome to spend the night. Olivia is alone in the room now, Frannie apparently having vacated the couch at some point and Amanda likely snoozing in her own bed, and Olivia gets quickly to her feet, wobbling a little on legs that are tired and unsure and still feeling a hint of alcohol coursing through her veins, the booze and exhaustion making her head spin momentarily before she finds her bearings.

She doesn't want to subject herself to Amanda's wrath in the wee hours of the morning so she is tiptoeing toward the door with the intention of letting herself quietly into the hallway and heading for home, when a sudden soft noise stops her dead in her tracks. Olivia tilts her head to the side in perplexity, a frown pulling at her eyebrows as she listens carefully, figuring the sound is just Frannie wandering around restlessly or perhaps getting into a little mischief while her owner is asleep.

Not wanting Amanda to wake up to a mess of any kind, Olivia decides to go in search of the canine and put a stop to whatever trouble she is stirring up before making her escape from the apartment. She calls Frannie's name quietly into the darkness as she creeps toward the bathroom, quite sure that is where the sound had come from, and she receives a short yip in response.

"Frannie, shush!" Olivia chastises urgently as she rounds the corner of the bathroom, the door standing wide open. "You're going to wake up..."

"Amanda!" she finishes, blurting out the younger woman's name in alarm when she sees the detective curled up into an uncomfortable ball on the floor, somehow having managed to wedge herself between the wall and the toilet, agonizing whimpers emanating from her direction. Frannie is pacing nervously back and forth in front of her owner, sharp toenails clicking loudly on the floor, and Olivia has to gently shove her out of the way to get a better look at her colleague.

"Honey, what happened? What's the matter? What are you doing in here?" Olivia is instantly crouching down on her hands and knees on the cold tiles of the floor but from the angle Amanda is huddled, she is unable to get as close to the other woman as she would like. "Talk to me, sweetheart. Did you hurt yourself? Did you have a nightmare?"

She is able to make out a weak nod in response to the last question and Olivia reaches out an arm to graze her fingers against part of a small leg that is poking out of the blonde detective's rather odd hiding place, figuring the younger woman had been sleepwalking while dreaming and surprised that she hadn't awoken when Amanda had left her bedroom. "Honey, I can't reach you very well from here," she says as patiently as she can, trying to keep the panic out of her tone as she sits down on the floor and Frannie flops down beside her, laying her head in Olivia's lap and gazing up at her with sorrowful dark eyes while giving a low, plaintive whine.

"It's okay, girl," Olivia soothes, running a tender hand over the dog's head and scratching her gently under the chin. "Your mama's going to be just fine." She directs her gaze back over at Amanda, who is crying softly now, the sound piercing straight through to Olivia's soul, and she tightens the hold she has around the younger woman's pajama pants. "Hey, sweetheart, your pet is a little concerned about you here, so how about you come out of there and come and sit with us, alright?"

Amanda has her face buried against her hands now, and the soft cries are quickly turning into great, gulping sobs, the anguished sounds ricocheting off the walls and bouncing around the small space inside the bathroom. Frannie's whining is becoming louder as well, Olivia's ears beginning to ring from the incessant noise, and she has to fight the urge to reach up and cover them with her hands, her heart pounding in an anxious, sickening rhythm for the other woman, the intense worry and love she has for Amanda threatening to spiral right out of control.

"Honey, can you talk to me?" she pleads softly, stroking Amanda's leg with one hand while petting Frannie's head with the other. "What was the nightmare about?"

The small detective is convulsing with sobs now, hunched over at the waist and winding her fingers through her own long hair, tangling the strands into tight little knots that will no doubt take ages to brush through, her limbs shaking violently with extreme emotion. Amanda's agony is so acute and her pain so palpable that Olivia's own tears well up in her eyes and spill down her cheeks in a wet pathway to drip off her chin into Frannie's fur, just like they had earlier. A small cry escapes her throat before she can stop it and she takes her hand from Frannie's head to press it over her mouth, noticing Amanda raise her head up slightly at the sound and fixing Olivia with a swollen, tear-streaked face, chin wobbling dangerously and blonde tresses standing out at odd angles all around her head.

"Hey, there," Olivia says gently, wiping a hand over her cheeks to rid herself of the unwanted tears, relieved to be making eye contact with the younger woman. "How are you doing, honey? Can you come out of there? Can you tell me what the nightmare was about?"

Instead of verbally responding, Amanda's mouth drags down in another sob and her eyes squeeze shut, giant tears rolling one after the other down her flushed cheeks, little gasping sounds of anguish emitting from between parted lips. Olivia's heart feels like it is being ripped right from her chest and she can't take this anymore, carefully shooing Frannie out of her lap and leaning forward with both arms spread wide open when she sees Amanda move slightly from her contorted position, hope rising within her that the other woman will finally decide to extricate herself from her strange location.

"Come here, sweetheart, it's okay. Just let me hold you," Olivia urges softly, immensely relieved when Amanda haltingly climbs out from the confined space and begins crawling slowly toward her on the floor, her hands and knees slipping now and then on the shiny tiles, small body practically bent in half from the force of the sobs that are weighing her down, long hair dragging across the floor while her head hangs low.

Olivia leans forward and grabs the younger woman under the arms, lifting the shuddering form into her lap so Amanda is straddling her thighs and sobbing into her neck, the detective's arms winding tightly around her back to grab at fistfuls of the shirt she is still wearing from the precinct. The love she is feeling for Amanda is so overwhelming in its intensity that it feels as if it's about to swallow her whole, and Olivia is unable to hold back her own sobs now, the cries bursting forth from within in a startling display of emotion in response to the other woman's immense pain and agony. They weep loudly into each other's shoulders and hold one another tightly while rocking back and forth, Frannie prancing nervously around them and barking sharply from time to time as if unsure of what to make of all the commotion.

"Its okay, baby, I've got you, I've got you," Olivia repeats fiercely into Amanda's tangles of blonde hair, her tears dripping steadily onto the other woman's pajama shirt as she tightens the hold she has around the small detective's trembling form. "Whatever the dream was about, it's over. It's not real. You're safe here with me, okay? No one can hurt you."

"It _was_ real," Amanda moans, her agonized voice muffled against Olivia's neck as she continues to weep, and Olivia can feel her skin becoming soaked with the younger woman's tears. "Drew had a gun pointed at my head."

It hits Olivia like a slap in the face, an instant flashback of standing in the courtyard of the little variety store while the rain poured down from above and the lightning flashed across the sky with a wicked intensity, followed by booming rolls of thunder that were so loud they practically drowned out Drew's screaming threats as he ground the barrel of the gun harshly into Amanda's temple, causing the detective to wince in pain and squeeze her eyes shut. The images assaulting Olivia's brain from that day are so colorful and vivid that they takes her breath away from the force of it, and she pulls Amanda impossibly closer to her, gathering each one of the smaller woman's limbs into her lap so Amanda is folded up against her like a human pretzel, while lavishing comforting kisses upon any body part that she can get her lips on; hair, cheeks, neck, shoulders, arms.

"God, I thought I was going to lose you," she confesses brokenly, her voice coming out in a ragged whisper, and those three little words that she has been longing to say since she first realized that Amanda was in danger come pouring out of her mouth in a litany of devotion, repeating them over and over again, each declaration more vehement than the last. "I love you, I love you, I love you. God, I love you so much."

This acknowledgment seems to render Amanda entirely mute for a moment, her cries falling utterly silent as they stare intently at each other in the dimness of the room, the moonlight shining through the window and illuminating the twin pathways of tears streaking both their cheeks, their mutual agony literally glowing in the darkness. "I love you too, Olivia," she finally murmurs reverently, and that is all it takes for the spell of distance and anguish to shatter completely to pieces.

Their lips crash down upon each other without warning, their previously slow and gentle movements giving way to an entirely different mood; their gestures absolutely frantic and bordering on violent as they scrabble furiously at each other's bodies, fingers twirling around hanks of hair and hands tearing at clothing, hips rocking insistently into one another, much like what had happened in Olivia's office hours earlier but the fervor and intensity of this moment cannot be matched by another, their desperation and need to be together after everything that has happened fueling their immense desires and passion.

Frannie seems to realize that this situation no longer concerns her and she makes a beeline for the door, escaping from the room in a blur of fur and sprinting paws, as Olivia and Amanda practically devour each other in a whirlwind of lust and love and urgency, and before Olivia is even aware of what is happening, her blouse has been ripped open with such force that the buttons go scattering across the tiles before the material is tossed into a heap on the floor and she is left in a light blue bra trimmed in white lace, Amanda's fingers scrambling wildly at the zipper of her dress pants.

She hears a loud groan of impatience emit from the other woman's lips as Amanda's desperate attempts to undress Olivia prove futile, and she feels her own hand being grabbed by a smaller one, slender fingers entwining around her own and yanking them forward to brush against the detective's pajama-covered crotch while a warm mouth goes to work on one of her breasts, Olivia's nipple straining against the damp material of her bra. Her head is spinning at this unexpected turn of events, the situation in the bathroom changing so swiftly from the aftermath of a traumatic nightmare into something else entirely, and there are warning bells ringing loudly inside her head now, realizing how vulnerable of a state that Amanda is currently in, not to mention the fragile state that she herself is in, and Olivia knows they have to get control of themselves and reign things in before they spiral any further into the stratosphere and explode with possibly catastrophic consequences.

" _Amanda_ ," she says hurriedly, the words coming out in a ragged moan instead of the calm way she had intended them to, her heart racing madly inside her chest and a gush of wetness pooling in her panties as the detective's tongue works expertly around a bra-covered nipple, Amanda's fingers holding Olivia's own very firmly between her legs and beginning to move the digits back and forth.

There is a delicious warmth emanating from the younger woman's core and Olivia moans again when she feels how damp Amanda is through the cotton material, seemingly unable to pull her hand away no matter how hard she tries and letting the detective continue to rub her hand over her crotch until she realizes that Amanda has pulled her own hand away and Olivia is moving her fingers by herself, massaging softly while the pad of her thumb circles the erect bundle of nerves protruding against the inside of Amanda's pajama pants.

Olivia is so overwhelmingly aroused that she is about to explode right then and there, the air punctuated with heavy panting breaths and drawn-out moans of pleasure, and those alarm bells are still going off in her head, although they are admittedly fainter now. "Amanda, I don't know if this is a good idea," she whispers into the other woman's ear, her head thrusting back as the detective's hand slips beneath her bra and makes contact with the bare skin of her breast, nimble fingers delicately pinching a puckered nipple.

"I need to come, Liv, and so do you," Amanda replies simply, arching sharply against Olivia's fingers with a swift intake of breath when she presses down on just the right spot.

"I don't want to take advantage of you after your nightmare," Olivia murmurs, torn desperately between desire and concern as she pushes her face into Amanda's neck and presses her lips gently to overheated skin, trying to turn this situation into one of comfort instead of sex, even though her fingers are still moving between the detective's legs and Amanda's hand is still palming her breast. "I know you're having a really hard time dealing with what happened to you."

"It's not about me," she hears Amanda mutter under her breath and Olivia frowns, ducking her head slightly to look the younger woman in the eye.

"What do you mean?" she asks in confusion, feathering the smaller woman's sweaty hair away from her forehead so she can get a better look at her blushing face. "I thought you said the nightmare was about what happened at the variety store, when Drew was holding the gun on you."

"It was," Amanda replies softly, her gaze swinging away from Olivia's probing eyes as she removes her hand from her blouse and rests it in her own lap.

"Okay, sweetheart, I'm not really understanding here," Olivia says patiently, bringing both of her hands up to lightly cup each one of Amanda's cheeks and forcing the other woman to look her in the eye again. "Can you explain it to me?"

"Drew _was_ holding the gun on me in the dream, just like what happened in reality," Amanda whispers, her fingers lifting up to play with a loose thread on Olivia's bra, and she can see a tear brimming in one tired blue eye. "But then it changed."

"How did it change?" Olivia questions carefully, intending to reach out to wipe the tear away before it can roll down Amanda's cheek, but the liquid breaks free and tumbles down flushed skin, followed by another and another until the younger woman is sniffling quietly, her face contorting with strong emotions once again.

"Oh, honey, it's okay," Olivia assures her softly, rubbing her hands gently up and down Amanda's arms and feeling the beginning of her own tears stirring up again, the moisture pricking insistently at the backs of her eyelids. "You can tell me."

"It was you," Amanda states abruptly, her teary gaze swinging back up to lock onto Olivia's with a painful intensity that sends a shiver down her spine. "He shot you in my dream, Liv. He turned away from me and walked right up to you and pointed the gun straight at your face and then pulled the trigger. He killed you. I had to watch you die right in front of me. You were lying on the ground in a pool of your own blood and he was laughing. The person I love most in the world was dead and he thought it was funny."

Olivia's heart is aching in her chest as she listens to the smaller woman's horrific descriptions and she tries to pull Amanda into her arms for a hug, but the detective scrambles off her lap to skitter away on the floor, folding her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her shins, the violent shivering from earlier starting up again.

"Don't you get it, Liv?" Amanda says with a quiet intensity, her steady gaze practically burning a hole through Olivia's own now. "Don't you understand why these past couple of weeks have been so hard for me, why I can't get over it? I heard what you asked me in the hospital that night, right before I fell asleep. You asked me why I was scared. Well, _this_ is why I'm scared." There is a short pause while Amanda inhales a deep, shuddering breath, a tiny sob breaking through. "It wasn't what happened to me, it was what almost happened to _you_."

"What?" Olivia asks in confusion, her eyebrows puckering deeply as she reaches out to bring Amanda back into her lap but the younger woman scoots away from her again, even further out of reach this time. "What are you talking about, honey?"

"Have you honestly forgotten that Drew threatened you too?" Amanda replies incredulously, holding her hands up in the air as if in utter disbelief of Olivia's malfunctioning memory. "Because I sure as hell haven't forgotten! It's all I can think about!"

Olivia remembers with acute accuracy when Drew had threatened to put a bullet into her brain, claiming he was sick and tired of listening to her voice as she had tried to talk him down from the dangerous situation, but Olivia has barely given it a second thought over the ensuing weeks, as that particular threat had paled in comparison to Amanda nearly losing her life in front of her entire squad and the woman who loved her more than anyone else.

"Oh, sweetheart, nothing happened to me," Olivia soothes as she moves minutely closer to the other woman on the floor, finally gaining a better understanding of Amanda's actions over the past couple of weeks and completely stunned that the younger woman had put aside her own trauma to focus on the threat to Olivia; that while she had been terrified of losing Amanda, the blonde detective had been experiencing the exact same fear. "I'm just fine, honey."

"But what if you weren't fine?" Amanda challenges raggedly, a sharp accusation obvious in her tone now. "What if you had spoken again after Drew had warned you not to, and he had shot you, just like he said he would? He was a man of his word, Liv. He would have done it. Of that, I have no doubt."

"I know that, honey. I know he was a man of his word. I could see that he meant exactly what he was saying, so that's why I didn't speak again," Olivia answers calmly, although her heart is beating sickeningly inside her chest now because she can sense that things have changed very swiftly between them yet again, and this time it is not for the better. "But he didn't shoot me, sweetheart. I'm _fine_ ," she repeats as firmly as she can, needing to get control over the rapidly spiraling situation because she can see now where this is heading, and she doesn't think she will be able to survive the outcome.

"But _I'm_ not!" Amanda cries in torment, sobs of agony bursting out her small body again, and it is all that Olivia can do to remain seated there unmoving on the floor as she watches the woman she loves become unraveled at the seams. "I'm not fine, no matter how hard I pretend to be; no matter if I stay away from you, like I've been doing for the past couple of weeks, or if I let you get closer, like we just were a few minutes ago." An agonized wail emits from Amanda's lips, and Olivia covers her own mouth in response as hot tears spill down her cheeks once again.

"I can't do this, Olivia," Amanda continues brokenly, her words sounding shredded to pieces as she tries to speak. "I can't stand the possibility of losing you. This is just too hard."

"So what are you saying?" Olivia whispers in absolute dread, intense fear and the awful knowledge of what is to come causing more tears to gush from her eyes, and she continues to cover her mouth very hard with both hands, trying in vain to hold back sobs of her own now.

"I'm saying that you had a point when you kept pulling away from me before," Amanda says softly, her voice suddenly exuding an eerie calm after her loud outburst of emotion. "You were right the whole time, and I just kept pushing you. But I can see how wrong it is now. We shouldn't be together, Olivia. I can't go through this every time someone threatens your life. I just can't do it. And I won't."

Amanda looks her straight in the eye, blue eyes bright with anguished tears but unwavering in their intensity, a resolute expression fixed upon her delicate features now, and her next words cut Olivia straight through to the bone.

"I'm done."


End file.
